I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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