I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
