Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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