some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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