Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
