I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
