Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
