I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
