I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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