I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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