I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
