His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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