I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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