Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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