I have demons in me.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
