Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Someone shattered a urinal.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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