Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
