Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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