just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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