I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
