My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
