I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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