I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
