Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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