I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
