I cannot find my penis.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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