I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
