Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
