I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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