I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Come see our sink grown plant.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize