I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
