you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
