It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
