The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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