I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
