She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
