I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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