At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
