I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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