It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The beer is more important than you right now.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
