Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
