now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize