I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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