Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
