I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
