You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize