I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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