My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
