I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize