Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize