i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
