So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
