Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
