I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
