Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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