how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
