how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
