I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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