Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
