A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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