I am puke
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
