I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
