The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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