I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
