I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
so much tequila, so little girl.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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