i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
