He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
