I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i think we sleep fucked last night...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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